Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the very thing keeping us from living the life we deserve.

When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2005, I had no idea what the years ahead would look like.

I knew my life was going to change. There would be challenges, uncertainties, and things completely out of my control. What I didn’t know was just how much this disease would teach me about myself, my priorities, and what truly matters in life.

Now, 21 years later, I sometimes wonder what I would tell that younger version of myself.

The woman who was determined to keep working, raise her family, take care of everyone around her, and somehow squeeze managing a chronic illness into whatever time and energy she had left.

And believe me, there wasn’t much left.

Would I do things differently if I knew then what I know today?

I think I would.

Not because I regret the life I’ve lived, but because there are lessons I wish I hadn’t taken quite so long to learn.

Perhaps the biggest lesson of all is this:

Taking care of yourself isn’t giving up. Sometimes it’s the very thing that allows you to keep going.

I Was the Gal Who Could Do It All

I’ve always been a pretty determined person. Some might even call me stubborn. I prefer determined, but I’m sure my family might have a slightly different opinion!

Before MS, I was the gal who could do it all.

Or at least, I thought I was.

I juggled a demanding career, raised a family, looked after a household, and somehow found a way to get everything done. I was the person people could count on. The one who could figure things out, get the job done, and keep all the balls in the air.

And I liked being that person.

I liked feeling capable, needed, and valued. There was a sense of pride in all of that, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting it.

But MS began challenging more than just my physical abilities. It challenged my entire sense of self. If I couldn’t continue working, who would I be?

Would I still feel accomplished? Valuable? Would I still be that independent, capable woman I’d always prided myself on being?

Looking back, I sometimes wonder how much of my determination to continue working was about my career and how much was about my ego.

There. I said it.

I didn’t want MS deciding what I could or couldn’t do. I wanted to prove I was still the same woman I’d always been. And perhaps my pride wasn’t quite ready to accept that life might need to look a little different.

When Determination Comes at a Cost

One of my biggest goals after my diagnosis was to continue working for as long as I possibly could.

And my neurologist understood that.

For years, we managed my medications with the goal of allowing me to keep working because that was what I wanted. She respected my wishes and supported my decisions, but she also recognized something I wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge.

My job was taking far too much out of me.

I worked a demanding schedule, often on call at all hours.

Lunch breaks? What were those?

Coffee breaks? Apparently, those were for other people.

Payroll, staffing, scheduling, troubleshooting — you name it, call Raegan. She’ll figure it out!

I even scheduled my sick days around the demands of my job because I believed I was indispensable. Looking back, I can see how ridiculous that sounds, but at the time, it made perfect sense.

My body knew what it needed. I was just determined to meet those needs on my terms, according to my schedule.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

I had a young family at home, a household to run, and a chronic disease demanding more energy than I had to give.

But I kept pushing because that’s what I’d always done. I believed that if I could just keep working and doing everything I’d always done, somehow I was winning the battle against MS.

But looking back, I wonder what exactly I thought I was winning.

By the time I finished my workday, there was very little left for my family, let alone myself.

The days became weeks, the weeks became months, and the months turned into years.

Somewhere along the way, I’d become so focused on getting through life that I’d forgotten I was supposed to be enjoying it.

And my family and I were paying the price.

The Doctor Who Saw What I Couldn’t

For years, my neurologist reminded me that my job was demanding too much of my energy. She understood something I hadn’t quite accepted yet.

Living with MS was already a full-time job. She told me that my full-time job needed to be looking after my health, while I still had the opportunity and ability to do so.

And she said something else that has stayed with me all these years.

Stepping away from work wasn’t giving up. It wasn’t giving in. It was giving myself the opportunity to have a quality of life that I was struggling to find while I continued working.

Those words meant a great deal to me, but they were also difficult to accept. I’d spent my life believing that strength meant pushing through, working harder, and refusing to allow anything to get in my way.

Including MS.

I didn’t want to feel as though the disease had won. But eventually, I began to understand what my doctor had been trying to tell me.

I didn’t need to prove how strong I was by exhausting myself every single day.

I needed to give myself permission to live differently.

And perhaps the hardest part wasn’t accepting that I needed to stop working.

It was accepting that I would still be valuable when I did.

Learning That My Worth Wasn’t Tied to My Work

For so many years, my identity had been wrapped up in what I did.

I was hardworking. Dependable. Independent. Capable. The busier I was, the more productive I felt. The more people depended on me, the more valuable I felt.

But what happens when your body no longer allows you to maintain the pace you’ve always kept?

For me, it meant learning to separate who I was from what I did. And let me tell you, that didn’t happen overnight. It took work. A whole lot of work. And 21 years later, I’m still learning.

Stepping away from my career didn’t mean I’d stopped contributing.

I was still a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a woman with plenty left to offer the world.

My contributions simply began to look different. I learned that my worth was never tied to a paycheque, a job title, or how exhausted I was at the end of the day.

It was there all along. I just needed to learn how to see it differently.

What If I Had Kept Working?

Sometimes I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t listened to my doctor. What if I’d continued pushing myself year after year, ignoring the exhaustion and convincing myself I could manage just a little longer?

Would I be better off financially today?

Absolutely.

Would I have a better pension and better benefits?

Without a doubt.

And I’m not going to pretend those things don’t matter. Financial security is important, particularly when you’re living with a progressive disease and facing an uncertain future.

But here’s the question I keep coming back to.

At what cost?

I can’t tell you whether continuing to work would have changed the progression of my MS. Nobody can know what that alternate version of my life would have looked like.

But I do know how exhausted I was and how little energy I had left for the people and things I loved and for managing my disease..

When I look back now, I realize that stepping away from work didn’t mean stepping away from life. In many ways, it meant finally having the energy to participate in it.

And while a larger pension and better benefits would certainly have been nice, they don’t outweigh what I’ve gained along the way.

Not even close.

What I Gained Was Worth More Than What I Gave Up

Going on disability wasn’t the future I’d imagined for myself. But it gave me something I hadn’t realized I was missing.

Time.

Time to make my health a priority rather than something I squeezed into an overflowing schedule.

Time to understand my disease, work with my medical team, exercise, rest, and focus on the things that help me feel as good as I possibly can.

And perhaps most importantly, it gave me more of myself to share with the people I love.

My children. My husband. And now, my six beautiful grandchildren.

It gave me the opportunity to travel, golf, garden, cook, and spend long, lazy afternoons at the beach.

It allowed me to rediscover old passions, discover new ones, and eventually create Cooking in Cowboy Boots, this little corner of the world where I share recipes, stories, memories, and the realities of living with MS.

Of course, none of this means MS has suddenly become easy.

It hasn’t.

My disease continues to progress, bringing new challenges and adjustments along the way. I still deal with fatigue, frustrating symptoms, limitations, and days when my body has absolutely no interest in cooperating with my plans.

There are things I’ve had to give up, and certainly days when I miss the person I used to be.

But I’ve also discovered that life can be incredibly full, even when it looks nothing like the life you originally planned.

And I’m grateful I finally listened to the doctor who helped me recognize that.

What I Would Tell My Younger Self

If I could sit across the kitchen table from the woman who was diagnosed with MS back in 2005, I think we’d have quite the conversation.

I’d tell her she doesn’t need to prove how strong she is by pushing through every difficult day.

I’d tell her that fatigue isn’t laziness.

That resting isn’t wasting time.

That saying no today might mean having enough energy to say yes to something wonderful tomorrow.

I’d tell her to listen to her doctors, ask questions, advocate for herself, and never be afraid to speak up when something doesn’t feel right.

I’d remind her that while working hard and providing for her family are important, so is having enough of herself left to enjoy that family.

I’d tell her it’s okay to change direction. To pivot when needed. To let go of a plan that no longer serves her.

And I’d tell her that MS doesn’t come with an instruction manual. There will be days when she thinks she’s got things figured out and others when the disease reminds her she’s not entirely in charge.

She’ll still get frustrated.

She’ll still push herself too hard sometimes.

And she’ll have to keep learning that just because she wants to do something doesn’t always mean she should.

But I’d also remind her that she has so much to look forward to.

Most importantly, I’d tell her not to spend so much time worrying about the life she might lose that she misses the life she still has.

Because even in the face of this adversity, there is still so much living to be done.

A Different Kind of Success

For much of my life, I thought success meant working hard, building financial security, taking care of my family, and making sure everyone had what they needed.

Those things still matter, but my definition of success looks a little different these days.

Success is spending an afternoon with my grandchildren and having enough energy to enjoy it.

It’s walking through my garden and discovering something beautiful that wasn’t there the day before.

It’s heading out for a round of golf, even if my body needs a little extra recovery time afterward and a cart to get me through it.

It’s creating something delicious in my kitchen and sharing it with the people I love.

It’s travelling with my husband and family, watching a sunset, or simply enjoying a quiet morning with a cup of tea and nowhere in particular I need to be.

And sometimes, success is listening to my body, cancelling my plans, and knowing that’s okay too.

I recognize that not everyone living with MS has the opportunity or financial ability to leave their career. Some people continue working for many years, while others have that choice made for them by this disease.

There’s no single right way to navigate life with MS.

This is simply my story.

And when I look back at the choices I’ve made, I know that putting my health first was the right decision for me.

Because I don’t believe I’ll ever wish I’d spent more of my life working.

I’ll remember the moments I was present for, the memories we made, the laughter around our table, and all those ordinary, beautiful days that turned out to be anything but ordinary.

MS has taken things from me, and I won’t pretend otherwise.

But somewhere along the way, it also taught me something I might never have learned on my own.

A good life isn’t measured by how much you can squeeze into it. Sometimes it’s measured by how much of it you actually get to enjoy.

I used to be the gal who could do it all. These days, I’m learning to be the gal who knows she doesn’t have to.

And if I could leave that younger version of myself with just one thought, it would be this:

You aren’t giving up when you choose to put your health first. You’re giving yourself the chance to live a life worth fighting for.

And that, my friends, is something I wish I’d understood a whole lot sooner.

A Little Something for the Soul

Over the years, I’ve learned that taking care of myself doesn’t always have to look big or dramatic.

Sometimes it’s the smallest things that bring the greatest sense of comfort — a quiet morning, a cozy afternoon at home, a cup of tea, a walk by the ocean, or the soft scent of essential oils drifting through the room.

No, a diffuser can’t fix everything, and it certainly isn’t a cure for MS. But I’ve come to appreciate the little rituals that make home feel peaceful, comforting, and calm.

And because Cooking in Cowboy Boots has always been about sharing the things that make life feel a little sweeter, I thought I’d include a few of my favourite essential oil diffuser recipes — simple blends I love when I want my home to feel fresh, cozy, or a little bit like a spa day without leaving the house.

My Favourite Essential Oil Diffuser Blends

A warm and cheerful blend that feels cozy and uplifting all at once. This one is especially lovely when you want your home to feel inviting and just a little bit comforting.

Fresh, woodsy, and crisp — like stepping outside on a cold day and breathing in the scent of winter. This is such a beautiful blend for the cooler months.

Bright, clean, and energizing. I love this one when I want the house to feel fresh and I need a little pick-me-up to start the day.

Soft, relaxing, and soothing — this is one of my favourites when I want a little calm at the end of the day and my home to feel like a peaceful retreat.

Always use essential oils according to your diffuser’s instructions and keep individual sensitivities, pets, and little ones in mind.